“Hurry up, Mommy. You’re gonna miss it!”

I’m sure every mom has gone through this but I think we single moms really feel like time is flying by when we have to share our children with an ex. Morgan said this to me the other day and she has no clue yet exactly what I felt when she said it but I couldn’t stop crying. In typical Aries fashion, this is the middle of the story. Let me start from the beginning….

We were watching Toy Story 3. I hadn’t gotten to see it when it came out in theaters but I think Morgan did. She saw it at some point because she knew what was going to happen in the movie. She kept saying stuff like, “Watch it, mommy, this part is funny” and “Here it comes, you’re gonna love this part.” Mind you, she’s 8.

Now I had already teared up at the beginning of the movie when Andy was packing up for college because even though she’s only 8, I know that in another 8 years, Morgan will be packing up for college and it was bittersweet to say the least.

At one point close to the end of the movie, I got up to get something in the kitchen. I think she wanted more water or something. I don’t know why I didn’t just pause the movie til I got back but I just let it play. I still don’t know what I missed as I haven’t had time to put the DVD back in and watch it all the way through. But from the living room came the line that brought me to tears in the kitchen. “Hurry up, Mommy. You’re gonna miss it!” I knew she was talking about some part in the movie that she wanted me to see. I knew that. But in my heart all I knew was that I feel like I’m missing half of her life and I have no way to hurry up to catch what I miss.

I do as much as I can to make memories for the two of us. We go to the art museum. We play at the park. We go roller skating. I’m trying to teach her how to sew and knit and quilt but she doesn’t have the patience for that yet. We color and play computer games. We read and go to the library. We make all kinds of paintings and art projects. But I still feel like it’s not enough. I know she has fun but it’s no substitute for the fact that I want her here all the time. She wants to be here all the time. And unless her father screws up and I have to take him back to court again, we don’t have a chance in hell of getting the parenting times changed until Morgan is in her teens.

So for at least the next 5 years, I get to keep missing half my daughter’s life. Not fun.

Someone should have warned me about Toy Story 3.

Jumbled thoughts

This blog is going to meander and wander. You’ve been warned. If you can’t follow this, try living in my head lol.

I’m a starter. I’m not a finisher. I have projects, books, quilts all in pieces. Hidden in baskets, in drawers, in my head in stages of completion but I know I’ll never finish any of them or not without many, MANY years in between start and finish.

Some of that is I’m a very impatient Aries who loves to be the first to do something new but couldn’t care less about getting to the end. Some of it comes from having trouble prioritizing. But on this road of never finishing anything, I also have trouble staying with a job longer than a couple of years. My longest lasted 4 years and it’s actually the only one I regret quitting.

So now I’m at the place where I end up frustrated because my new job is just a job even though everyone else sees it as a career. This is one box I just don’t fit in. I don’t want a career. Never have and I’m starting to realize probably never will. My boyfriend tells me I have to stick with something because I need to be able to retire. And I know he’s right but at the same time I wonder why I have to follow somebody else’s rules for how to live?

I have this dream of being happy and loving my work. Of making a difference or being a good influence on people. I want to create, teach, inspire, learn. I just don’t see that happening by selling insurance. I feel like I made a left turn by getting into insurance. This doesn’t fit with any of my goals but it was a very good paying job at a time when I really needed a very good paying job. I really thought I would like this. I was wrong.

That’s another thing I’m not good at…admitting I’m wrong. I stayed married for about 10 years longer than I should have just because I couldn’t admit I was wrong. I am growing because now I can say I made the wrong choice. Unfortunately, now I don’t know what to do. I’m one quarter away from finishing my Associate’s degree but it won’t help me get a better job. I need at least a Bachelor’s. I know this but I also know I need a break from school. At least a few months.

And so, my poor brain is loaded with all these jumbled thoughts. Most of them being to just keep my mouth shut and keep going to work. I don’t like it and it’s showing in my performance which is something else I’ve never had a problem with. Usually I have enough pride in my own work ethic that I can exceed expectations even if I’m not happy. I’m burnt out and I just don’t care and I probably shouldn’t admit that but I need to be able to say it. I need to have my feelings accepted. Because to me, they are very real and they are driving me insane.

Good luck if you made it to the end. Any suggestions?

 

All things Bandia

Well, first of all, my name is not Bandia but it is my favorite Irish word. It means goddess. My real name is boring Rachel. I always wanted a really cool nickname, but at 33, I don’t think it’s gonna happen.

I am a single mother and my daughter is 7. She ”lives” with her father because he is the residential parent for school purposes. We have shared parenting but it sucks, and I can’t talk about my ex without getting really nasty, so I’ll just leave it at that.

I’m an Aries and a very typical one at that. I have all the good and bad qualities of my Sun sign. I read my horoscope every day and usually 4 or 5 different ones because it’s hilarious when they all say something different. I believe in karma and destiny but can get very impatient with both. And that leads to my Chinese year which is Horse, which again I am a very typical Horse. I love my freedom and I love to run. I have trouble sitting still most of the time. I also cast my own Runes, but suck at casting for anyone else.

I was raised Pentecostal Christian, but do not profess a religion now. The closest I would come to a religion is nature worship or Wiccan, but I don’t practice any one set of beliefs or traditions. I feel all religions are basically trying to teach the same positive qualities and it really shouldn’t matter who the “leader” of the religion is. Just be kind to people, don’t kill each other, and live in harmony with the earth. Is it really so complicated that we need to go to war and destroy lives over? Not to me.

I live in Ohio where we have Winter, Spring Construction, Summer More Construction, and Fall Still Construction as our 4 seasons. I have lived here all my life except one year I lived in Indiana.

I love the smell of coffee, but have yet to figure out a way to drink it without gagging. I know, add sugar and cream/milk. Why bother when I can drink tea without adding anything to it? My favorite is water though. I can drink water all day and be happy.

My next big goals are to get my first book published by the time I’m 35 and to complete my Bachelor’s by 37 at the latest.

My mother taught me how to sew, cross-stitch, weave baskets, weave rag rugs, clean a house, fix almost anything, do laundry, wash a car, mow the grass, and probably many other things that I can’t remember right now. My maternal grandmother taught me how to quilt and tat lace. Sadly, I was 11 when she taught me to tat and don’t remember how anymore. I wish she could have taught me how to can and preserve before she died.

I am a typical American mutt. I have Shawnee Indian, Welsh, Scottish, Irish, German, and, I’ve been told, probably Viking, blood.

That just scratches the surface. I hope you learn more about me by reading my blogs and if there is something you would like to know, just leave a comment. I will answer every question, even if the answer is that I can’t answer.

As always, be kind to each other because we are all related.