The Balance Journey (Day 18)

Today was bad. Today was climb back into bed and start over bad.Today decided to knock me out in a one-two punch.

Today also taught me a valuable lesson on my journey.

“How?”, you might ask. Today reminded me that good days require bad days. Everything gets balanced. Everything! I’m learning that the hard way some days. Today felt a lot like the rainy day I wrote about a few days ago. Today was emotionally a very gray, cold, cloudy day. Which means that soon that emotional sun is going to come out and things will look brighter. It also means the emotional rain was something I needed to experience. I will grow from this experience.

Today was another stepping stone in my personal growth. I did have a meltdown. (I’m famous for meltdowns. I’m too high-strung and freak out over little things.) I had my pity party. Today’s pity party was drastically shorter than normal though.

I’ve read that it’s important to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling. Give those emotions the outlet they need.

As I was venting talking to my boyfriend, I realized some of what I was feeling was anger over the way I had been treated and grief that I had lost my faith and trust in the person who treated me so unjustly. And yes, I know, life isn’t fair. I don’t expect life to be fair, but I do expect other people to be fair. Sorry, soapbox moment, there.

Once I realized exactly why I was crying, it was so much easier to let the hurt and grief go away. Logic got to come to the party. Logic got to override my emotions and say that I know what the right response to the situation is. The right response is to choose to walk away.

You may think that’s drastic; you may not. But people who don’t know right from wrong are not people who should be in my life. I get the choice of who I associate with and I will not associate with liars and unethical people. You are who you associate with, and I do not want to be known as an unethical liar.

I want to leave you with a picture one of my Facebook friends recently posted. Be a light. Be different. Be change. I’ve posted it before, and it’s probably going to become my closing tag line but Gandhi’s quote is the best: Be the change you wish to see in the world.

 

The Balance Journey (Day 13)

I’m finding it very hard to write right now because I’m fascinated by the rain falling. Most people find the rain depressing. It’s cold, wet, gray and cloudy and they just don’t like that.

I love the rain. I love the smell in the air while it’s falling. I love the whisper of a soft spring rain. I love the roar of a thunderstorm when it pounds on the walls, windows and ground. I love the cool breezes that come with the summer rains.

But what I love even more happens after the rain stops. The clouds part, the sun comes out and all the colors seem brighter. The grass and trees sparkle in the light. Everything grows a little faster (unfortunately, this means the weeds, too).

Nature shows us how important balance is. We wouldn’t have green, growing plants without rain. We couldn’t survive without water. We also can’t live without the sun.

I’m learning to love both sides of balance but in this case, the balance in nature is one of the most amazing things about our world.

Finding my balance

Many cultures believe in the duality of life. Right and wrong, yin and yang, male and female just to name a few. American culture, for whatever reason, seems to ignore this basic fact.

In America, we must be exceptional at one thing. You can’t be pretty and smart. You can’t be a nerd and cool. You can’t be a worker and a parent. We are not taught to value or achieve any kind of balance. Everything we are taught says only do that one thing that is the most important. If you have to do more than one important something, you probably won’t be able to give your best effort to everything.

I say screw that!

I’m tired of being tired and stretched in a million different directions. I’m tired of hearing I can’t live my life in the way that makes sense to me.

I am in control of me, not anyone else. I control what I want from my life. I control the experiences I have. I control my responses. I control my fears. I control my hopes and dreams. I control myself.

“They” are not me. “They” don’t know what’s best for me. “They” aren’t introverts. “They” don’t value honesty, integrity, family, peace, communication, listening.

I’m not trying to offend anyone. This post is not directed at anyone who normally reads this. This is word vomit for myself so I see it in writing and can come back and re-read my own words. But this has been on my mind for a couple of weeks now, so maybe I’m not the only one who needs to hear it.

I need to say no when I know I can’t do something. I need to schedule time for myself to recuperate and relax. I need to spend time each day outside. I need to exercise at least every other day. I need to stop being afraid of strangers. I need to speak my mind more often.

I’ve made a commitment to myself to begin to find my balance. Over the next 30 days, I will make conscious choices and write about my journey. I don’t expect to be completely balanced in 30 days but I do know I won’t get anywhere if I don’t start tracking and monitoring what is going on in my life. I have to start paying attention to how I live and stop acting like a victim. Life didn’t happen to me, I happened to Life. I affect Life, not the other way around.

One little bite at a time and soon I’ll have the whole elephant eaten.

What is this lesson?

What exactly am I supposed to be learning and why am I going through this again? Why am I unemployed? Why does my car always break down when I have no income? Why can’t I find a job with decent pay and hours so I can spend time with my daughter? And why is spending time with my daughter a bad thing in a job search? Isn’t it supposed to be faith, family, then work?

I’m tired of this lesson, whatever it is. I don’t like being broke. I don’t like searching for a job. I really don’t like having a car. I also don’t like sounding like a broken record, complaining about things I’m trying to change. I may not like the job search, but I am looking for a job. I need work. I go crazy when I’m stuck in my apartment with no one to talk to. And if I can find a decent job with decent pay, then I can get a better car and not have to worry about it breaking down on me when I can’t afford it.

I’ve had a really shitty couple of years. The one-step-forward-two-steps-back kind of years. I want my break. I don’t want the silver lining. I want the sunshine. I want things to go right for a change. I don’t normally follow the “Joneses.” I don’t need to have things just because other people have them, but in this case, I want a job because it seems like everyone else has one but me and dammit, I need a job. I’ve been on a couple of interviews but so far nothing has come of it. I probably come off too desperate in the interviews because I need a job so desperately. Come on, Fate. I need you to work with me here and send me a job.

(Sorry for this. This isn’t my usual kind of post. I’ll be more upbeat in my next post.)