The Balance Journey (Day 11)

Almost half way through my first 30 days of making conscious choices. I feel like I am doing better but I still have some areas where I know I need a little more work.

I still need to find a way to nurture my spiritual side. I think that’s where I’m still the weakest. Usually, getting outside or even just opening the windows in the apartment will revitalize me but this week it isn’t working. I’ve taken enough Psych to know there’s probably something else going on but I’m not sure what.

Physically, I need to schedule exercise better. I have my one yoga day but I also need to do cardio one day and weights one day. I’ve stopped drinking milk, not because I’m allergic but because as a Blood Type A I’m not supposed to drink cow milk. I’m supposed to drink goat milk, soy milk, almond milk or rice milk. I know I’m not getting enough calcium this way because my bones ache a lot, especially my hips and pelvis. I have to get that fixed.

Mentally is where I’m strongest. I’m constantly learning new things. I have realized that I need to figure out what I’m going to do to keep my brain sharp after I graduate with my Associates on June 16. (YAY!!!) I have continuing education that I need to complete to renew my insurance license next year but I also have to decide if I’m going to go to a 4-year school for my Bachelors or not.

Emotionally, I am doing much better about controlling my emotions and not letting them control me. I have stopped myself numerous times over the past 11 days and logically thought about what was going on instead of reacting illogically and emotionally. It’s been revealing to see how wrong my thought patterns have been. The hardest part so far is unlearning all the bad emotional habits.

 P.S. This is my 35th post. Just thought that was a fun little random fact.

Jumbled thoughts

This blog is going to meander and wander. You’ve been warned. If you can’t follow this, try living in my head lol.

I’m a starter. I’m not a finisher. I have projects, books, quilts all in pieces. Hidden in baskets, in drawers, in my head in stages of completion but I know I’ll never finish any of them or not without many, MANY years in between start and finish.

Some of that is I’m a very impatient Aries who loves to be the first to do something new but couldn’t care less about getting to the end. Some of it comes from having trouble prioritizing. But on this road of never finishing anything, I also have trouble staying with a job longer than a couple of years. My longest lasted 4 years and it’s actually the only one I regret quitting.

So now I’m at the place where I end up frustrated because my new job is just a job even though everyone else sees it as a career. This is one box I just don’t fit in. I don’t want a career. Never have and I’m starting to realize probably never will. My boyfriend tells me I have to stick with something because I need to be able to retire. And I know he’s right but at the same time I wonder why I have to follow somebody else’s rules for how to live?

I have this dream of being happy and loving my work. Of making a difference or being a good influence on people. I want to create, teach, inspire, learn. I just don’t see that happening by selling insurance. I feel like I made a left turn by getting into insurance. This doesn’t fit with any of my goals but it was a very good paying job at a time when I really needed a very good paying job. I really thought I would like this. I was wrong.

That’s another thing I’m not good at…admitting I’m wrong. I stayed married for about 10 years longer than I should have just because I couldn’t admit I was wrong. I am growing because now I can say I made the wrong choice. Unfortunately, now I don’t know what to do. I’m one quarter away from finishing my Associate’s degree but it won’t help me get a better job. I need at least a Bachelor’s. I know this but I also know I need a break from school. At least a few months.

And so, my poor brain is loaded with all these jumbled thoughts. Most of them being to just keep my mouth shut and keep going to work. I don’t like it and it’s showing in my performance which is something else I’ve never had a problem with. Usually I have enough pride in my own work ethic that I can exceed expectations even if I’m not happy. I’m burnt out and I just don’t care and I probably shouldn’t admit that but I need to be able to say it. I need to have my feelings accepted. Because to me, they are very real and they are driving me insane.

Good luck if you made it to the end. Any suggestions?