The Balance Journey (Day 18)

Today was bad. Today was climb back into bed and start over bad.Today decided to knock me out in a one-two punch.

Today also taught me a valuable lesson on my journey.

“How?”, you might ask. Today reminded me that good days require bad days. Everything gets balanced. Everything! I’m learning that the hard way some days. Today felt a lot like the rainy day I wrote about a few days ago. Today was emotionally a very gray, cold, cloudy day. Which means that soon that emotional sun is going to come out and things will look brighter. It also means the emotional rain was something I needed to experience. I will grow from this experience.

Today was another stepping stone in my personal growth. I did have a meltdown. (I’m famous for meltdowns. I’m too high-strung and freak out over little things.) I had my pity party. Today’s pity party was drastically shorter than normal though.

I’ve read that it’s important to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling. Give those emotions the outlet they need.

As I was venting talking to my boyfriend, I realized some of what I was feeling was anger over the way I had been treated and grief that I had lost my faith and trust in the person who treated me so unjustly. And yes, I know, life isn’t fair. I don’t expect life to be fair, but I do expect other people to be fair. Sorry, soapbox moment, there.

Once I realized exactly why I was crying, it was so much easier to let the hurt and grief go away. Logic got to come to the party. Logic got to override my emotions and say that I know what the right response to the situation is. The right response is to choose to walk away.

You may think that’s drastic; you may not. But people who don’t know right from wrong are not people who should be in my life. I get the choice of who I associate with and I will not associate with liars and unethical people. You are who you associate with, and I do not want to be known as an unethical liar.

I want to leave you with a picture one of my Facebook friends recently posted. Be a light. Be different. Be change. I’ve posted it before, and it’s probably going to become my closing tag line but Gandhi’s quote is the best: Be the change you wish to see in the world.

 

“Hurry up, Mommy. You’re gonna miss it!”

I’m sure every mom has gone through this but I think we single moms really feel like time is flying by when we have to share our children with an ex. Morgan said this to me the other day and she has no clue yet exactly what I felt when she said it but I couldn’t stop crying. In typical Aries fashion, this is the middle of the story. Let me start from the beginning….

We were watching Toy Story 3. I hadn’t gotten to see it when it came out in theaters but I think Morgan did. She saw it at some point because she knew what was going to happen in the movie. She kept saying stuff like, “Watch it, mommy, this part is funny” and “Here it comes, you’re gonna love this part.” Mind you, she’s 8.

Now I had already teared up at the beginning of the movie when Andy was packing up for college because even though she’s only 8, I know that in another 8 years, Morgan will be packing up for college and it was bittersweet to say the least.

At one point close to the end of the movie, I got up to get something in the kitchen. I think she wanted more water or something. I don’t know why I didn’t just pause the movie til I got back but I just let it play. I still don’t know what I missed as I haven’t had time to put the DVD back in and watch it all the way through. But from the living room came the line that brought me to tears in the kitchen. “Hurry up, Mommy. You’re gonna miss it!” I knew she was talking about some part in the movie that she wanted me to see. I knew that. But in my heart all I knew was that I feel like I’m missing half of her life and I have no way to hurry up to catch what I miss.

I do as much as I can to make memories for the two of us. We go to the art museum. We play at the park. We go roller skating. I’m trying to teach her how to sew and knit and quilt but she doesn’t have the patience for that yet. We color and play computer games. We read and go to the library. We make all kinds of paintings and art projects. But I still feel like it’s not enough. I know she has fun but it’s no substitute for the fact that I want her here all the time. She wants to be here all the time. And unless her father screws up and I have to take him back to court again, we don’t have a chance in hell of getting the parenting times changed until Morgan is in her teens.

So for at least the next 5 years, I get to keep missing half my daughter’s life. Not fun.

Someone should have warned me about Toy Story 3.