Empty from the inside out (or Word Vomit)

I’ve had a rough two weeks. Apologies for not writing last week. I’m not getting into it because I don’t have the mental capacity to completely re-hash the last two weeks but needless to say, I need the nonsense and the craziness to stop.

I need my car to run right and stop breaking.

I need my professors to stop saying something is not important and will not be tested on and then put it on the freaking test.

I need people to drop out of the full 9:30 am class I was planning on registering for so I don’t have to stay in the 8:00 am class next semester. (That just ruined my morning when I logged on to register for Spring classes.)

I need to run and it’s too cold to run outside which is something I never thought I would say but I have discovered the hard way that I can’t breathe if it’s below about 50 degrees. I don’t have a treadmill or the room for a treadmill so it’s going to be a looooooong winter.

I need to cry for about a half hour and then put the pieces back together.

Urgh. Argh. Ugh.

This is one of those times when I really hate that I have to acknowledge my feelings instead of bury them. I don’t like feeling powerless and overwhelmed.

1 of 1025, with Honors

I couldn’t sleep the night before commencement. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I was excited, proud, eager and, at the same time, nervous and ready for it to be over with.

The sun woke me up about 6 am even though I had the alarm set for 7. I would have let Morgan sleep in longer but she was up, too. Every 20 minutes or so, Morgan would ask if it was time to leave yet. I think she was as excited as I was.

The day started muggy and hot. I knew it would get hotter as it got later. The heat was the main reason commencement was scheduled to start at 9:45. We had bottles of water and snacks packed and she had a bag with coloring books and toys to keep her busy during the ceremony. I knew we would be there about 3 hours and I knew she wouldn’t be able to sit still that long. My mom met us there and kept Morgan while I went up to the staging area.

There were hundreds of graduates milling around. No one seemed to know where to go or what to do. We were told to show up by 8:45 for the Marshalls to explain what would happen but there were no Marshalls until about 9:30. At that point, it became chaos as they tried to line us up into some semblance of order so we could march in. I was surprised to hear Pomp and Circumstance start playing at exactly 9:45. I thought there was no way we would actually start on time.

It took 20 minutes for all the graduates to march in. The girl in front of me had on 3 or 4 inch heels. She held onto the guy in front of her the whole way down the stairs. Oh yes, down the stairs. I should have counted them but it was probably 40 or 50 stairs. We were in the University of Dayton Arena. (If anyone has been there, we were walking from the “Flight Deck” down to the floor of the arena.)

After we all marched in, the bagpipes played as the President of Sinclair and the Deans and Trustees marched up to the stage. I’m incredibly proud of my Scottish and Irish heritage and could not stand still while the bagpipes were playing. Sinclair was founded by a Scot and as such we are the Sinclair Tartans. Our mascot is a lion but I have no clue why!

I don’t remember much of the ceremony itself. The class gift was a scholarship donation of $5,000. The guest speaker was a lady and fortunately her speech was short. They awarded two professors Emeritus status. And then we received our diplomas (well diploma covers!).

It took almost an hour and a half for all 1025 us of to walk across the stage. 1,025! We were the largest graduating class in Sinclair history. I have a feeling next year’s class will break our record. Sinclair breaks the degrees up into four divisions: Division of Liberal Arts, Communication and Social Sciences; Division of Science, Mathematics and Engineering; Division of Business and Public Service (Holler!); and Division of Life and Health Sciences.

Out of the 1025 graduates, I knew 3. I barely remember the 3 seconds it took for the Dean of Business and Public Services to say my name. I know she said it (Rachel M. White, with Honors) but it happened so fast. Our President, Dr. Johnson, handed me my diploma cover, 2 of the Trustees were there to offer congratulations, then over to the photographer to have a 2 second photo taken, and then back to my seat. After that, I have to admit, I pretty much zoned out. I don’t remember much again until we stood up to move our tassels from right to left. I almost cried.

After we had officially graduated, Dr. Johnson did something they do at every graduation. He asked a series of questions and had us stand up if the answer was yes. When he got to the question “Who here is the first person in their immediate family to graduate?,” I was in tears then because I am the first person in my family to graduate from college.

In some ways, it still doesn’t feel like I’ve really graduated. I know that final grades from Spring quarter won’t be submitted until tomorrow. I know that it will probably take a couple of weeks before they verify my records and print and mail actual diplomas. I also know that I don’t have any classes to go to but it still feels like I do. I still think I need to wake up in the morning and get ready for Management 250 (probably the most informative and useful class I’ve taken so far). Three years of classes is a hard habit to break.

I also know it’s time for the next adventure. Time for more changes and time to make a difference. Be change and make a difference in your world!

The Balance Journey (Day 18)

Today was bad. Today was climb back into bed and start over bad.Today decided to knock me out in a one-two punch.

Today also taught me a valuable lesson on my journey.

“How?”, you might ask. Today reminded me that good days require bad days. Everything gets balanced. Everything! I’m learning that the hard way some days. Today felt a lot like the rainy day I wrote about a few days ago. Today was emotionally a very gray, cold, cloudy day. Which means that soon that emotional sun is going to come out and things will look brighter. It also means the emotional rain was something I needed to experience. I will grow from this experience.

Today was another stepping stone in my personal growth. I did have a meltdown. (I’m famous for meltdowns. I’m too high-strung and freak out over little things.) I had my pity party. Today’s pity party was drastically shorter than normal though.

I’ve read that it’s important to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling. Give those emotions the outlet they need.

As I was venting talking to my boyfriend, I realized some of what I was feeling was anger over the way I had been treated and grief that I had lost my faith and trust in the person who treated me so unjustly. And yes, I know, life isn’t fair. I don’t expect life to be fair, but I do expect other people to be fair. Sorry, soapbox moment, there.

Once I realized exactly why I was crying, it was so much easier to let the hurt and grief go away. Logic got to come to the party. Logic got to override my emotions and say that I know what the right response to the situation is. The right response is to choose to walk away.

You may think that’s drastic; you may not. But people who don’t know right from wrong are not people who should be in my life. I get the choice of who I associate with and I will not associate with liars and unethical people. You are who you associate with, and I do not want to be known as an unethical liar.

I want to leave you with a picture one of my Facebook friends recently posted. Be a light. Be different. Be change. I’ve posted it before, and it’s probably going to become my closing tag line but Gandhi’s quote is the best: Be the change you wish to see in the world.