Finding my balance

Many cultures believe in the duality of life. Right and wrong, yin and yang, male and female just to name a few. American culture, for whatever reason, seems to ignore this basic fact.

In America, we must be exceptional at one thing. You can’t be pretty and smart. You can’t be a nerd and cool. You can’t be a worker and a parent. We are not taught to value or achieve any kind of balance. Everything we are taught says only do that one thing that is the most important. If you have to do more than one important something, you probably won’t be able to give your best effort to everything.

I say screw that!

I’m tired of being tired and stretched in a million different directions. I’m tired of hearing I can’t live my life in the way that makes sense to me.

I am in control of me, not anyone else. I control what I want from my life. I control the experiences I have. I control my responses. I control my fears. I control my hopes and dreams. I control myself.

“They” are not me. “They” don’t know what’s best for me. “They” aren’t introverts. “They” don’t value honesty, integrity, family, peace, communication, listening.

I’m not trying to offend anyone. This post is not directed at anyone who normally reads this. This is word vomit for myself so I see it in writing and can come back and re-read my own words. But this has been on my mind for a couple of weeks now, so maybe I’m not the only one who needs to hear it.

I need to say no when I know I can’t do something. I need to schedule time for myself to recuperate and relax. I need to spend time each day outside. I need to exercise at least every other day. I need to stop being afraid of strangers. I need to speak my mind more often.

I’ve made a commitment to myself to begin to find my balance. Over the next 30 days, I will make conscious choices and write about my journey. I don’t expect to be completely balanced in 30 days but I do know I won’t get anywhere if I don’t start tracking and monitoring what is going on in my life. I have to start paying attention to how I live and stop acting like a victim. Life didn’t happen to me, I happened to Life. I affect Life, not the other way around.

One little bite at a time and soon I’ll have the whole elephant eaten.

What is this lesson?

What exactly am I supposed to be learning and why am I going through this again? Why am I unemployed? Why does my car always break down when I have no income? Why can’t I find a job with decent pay and hours so I can spend time with my daughter? And why is spending time with my daughter a bad thing in a job search? Isn’t it supposed to be faith, family, then work?

I’m tired of this lesson, whatever it is. I don’t like being broke. I don’t like searching for a job. I really don’t like having a car. I also don’t like sounding like a broken record, complaining about things I’m trying to change. I may not like the job search, but I am looking for a job. I need work. I go crazy when I’m stuck in my apartment with no one to talk to. And if I can find a decent job with decent pay, then I can get a better car and not have to worry about it breaking down on me when I can’t afford it.

I’ve had a really shitty couple of years. The one-step-forward-two-steps-back kind of years. I want my break. I don’t want the silver lining. I want the sunshine. I want things to go right for a change. I don’t normally follow the “Joneses.” I don’t need to have things just because other people have them, but in this case, I want a job because it seems like everyone else has one but me and dammit, I need a job. I’ve been on a couple of interviews but so far nothing has come of it. I probably come off too desperate in the interviews because I need a job so desperately. Come on, Fate. I need you to work with me here and send me a job.

(Sorry for this. This isn’t my usual kind of post. I’ll be more upbeat in my next post.)