This blog is going to meander and wander. You’ve been warned. If you can’t follow this, try living in my head lol.
I’m a starter. I’m not a finisher. I have projects, books, quilts all in pieces. Hidden in baskets, in drawers, in my head in stages of completion but I know I’ll never finish any of them or not without many, MANY years in between start and finish.
Some of that is I’m a very impatient Aries who loves to be the first to do something new but couldn’t care less about getting to the end. Some of it comes from having trouble prioritizing. But on this road of never finishing anything, I also have trouble staying with a job longer than a couple of years. My longest lasted 4 years and it’s actually the only one I regret quitting.
So now I’m at the place where I end up frustrated because my new job is just a job even though everyone else sees it as a career. This is one box I just don’t fit in. I don’t want a career. Never have and I’m starting to realize probably never will. My boyfriend tells me I have to stick with something because I need to be able to retire. And I know he’s right but at the same time I wonder why I have to follow somebody else’s rules for how to live?
I have this dream of being happy and loving my work. Of making a difference or being a good influence on people. I want to create, teach, inspire, learn. I just don’t see that happening by selling insurance. I feel like I made a left turn by getting into insurance. This doesn’t fit with any of my goals but it was a very good paying job at a time when I really needed a very good paying job. I really thought I would like this. I was wrong.
That’s another thing I’m not good at…admitting I’m wrong. I stayed married for about 10 years longer than I should have just because I couldn’t admit I was wrong. I am growing because now I can say I made the wrong choice. Unfortunately, now I don’t know what to do. I’m one quarter away from finishing my Associate’s degree but it won’t help me get a better job. I need at least a Bachelor’s. I know this but I also know I need a break from school. At least a few months.
And so, my poor brain is loaded with all these jumbled thoughts. Most of them being to just keep my mouth shut and keep going to work. I don’t like it and it’s showing in my performance which is something else I’ve never had a problem with. Usually I have enough pride in my own work ethic that I can exceed expectations even if I’m not happy. I’m burnt out and I just don’t care and I probably shouldn’t admit that but I need to be able to say it. I need to have my feelings accepted. Because to me, they are very real and they are driving me insane.
Good luck if you made it to the end. Any suggestions?