Better late than never

I know, I know…I said I was planning to post on Wednesdays because that’s when I usually am caught up on homework and have some free time. Well, with 3 (ugh) tests this week, I spent my Wednesday night studying. So, here I am without much to say but I’m writing because I need to write something or else I will forget about my poor blog. Trust me, I’ve done it before. Check out the months where I only posted once. Yep, I forgot I had a blog!

I am in the middle of reading Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander series for the first time. I finished Voyager a couple of days ago and am waiting for Drums of Autumn to come in at the library.

Well, that’s all I’ve got going on right now. School, sleep, work, be a mommy, sleep and repeat. Is it summer yet?

What is this lesson?

What exactly am I supposed to be learning and why am I going through this again? Why am I unemployed? Why does my car always break down when I have no income? Why can’t I find a job with decent pay and hours so I can spend time with my daughter? And why is spending time with my daughter a bad thing in a job search? Isn’t it supposed to be faith, family, then work?

I’m tired of this lesson, whatever it is. I don’t like being broke. I don’t like searching for a job. I really don’t like having a car. I also don’t like sounding like a broken record, complaining about things I’m trying to change. I may not like the job search, but I am looking for a job. I need work. I go crazy when I’m stuck in my apartment with no one to talk to. And if I can find a decent job with decent pay, then I can get a better car and not have to worry about it breaking down on me when I can’t afford it.

I’ve had a really shitty couple of years. The one-step-forward-two-steps-back kind of years. I want my break. I don’t want the silver lining. I want the sunshine. I want things to go right for a change. I don’t normally follow the “Joneses.” I don’t need to have things just because other people have them, but in this case, I want a job because it seems like everyone else has one but me and dammit, I need a job. I’ve been on a couple of interviews but so far nothing has come of it. I probably come off too desperate in the interviews because I need a job so desperately. Come on, Fate. I need you to work with me here and send me a job.

(Sorry for this. This isn’t my usual kind of post. I’ll be more upbeat in my next post.)

Early resolutions

Please don’t get me wrong here. I’m not trying to rush the new year. However, I know I won’t have much time between now and January 1st to sit down and write out my list. So in these few moments of quiet, I’m going to write down some of my New Year’s Resolutions.

I know myself well enough not to put losing weight or getting in shape on the list. I like my weight even if I’m not as small as the fashion world tries to tell me I should be. While I wouldn’t mind saying I’m a size 4 again, I like being an 8. I have curves and am eating good, healthy food so I know I’m not killing myself with artificial junk food or preservatives. Being a little more active would help I’m sure but I’m not really that big into exercise. I love low impact activities like yoga and swimming and just walking around the park with my daughter. I will put that on my list; to add some low impact exercise a couple of times a week. I need to do more than sit at a computer desk. Humans weren’t made to sit still.

Another thing I want to put on my list is something I’ve already started working on. I want to start or join a local writer’s group so I have some accountability, motivation and competition to work on my first book. I’ve talked to the ladies at my local library and they don’t currently have a group but said if I could get some people together that it would be no big deal to start a group. They have two rooms reserved for groups and have had writer’s groups meet at the library in the past.

I also need to add a second job or find a full-time job. My bills are stripped down to rent, electricity/water (no gas), and my cell phone. I own my car but it is 17 years old and I’m the last in a long line of people to own it. It has lived a long, full life and needs to be scrapped. I can’t afford a car payment though without more income, so onto the list it goes.

I would also like to start decorating my apartment. I can’t paint the walls but I would like to buy all those pretty but useless things to hang on the walls that make it look like someone actually lives there. Picture frames, wall sconces, metal decorative pieces, clocks…you know what I’m talking about. Morgan also said she wants her room done in Chococat. More things onto the list.

I am also going to read some more classics this coming year. I need to finish Don Quixote. I started it last summer in between quarters in school and I’m not sure why I didn’t finish it but there you have it. I would like to read some of the classic women. The Bronte sisters, Louisa May Alcott, Dickinson. Any other good ones I should add to the list?

What are your resolutions for the New Year?

Jumbled thoughts

This blog is going to meander and wander. You’ve been warned. If you can’t follow this, try living in my head lol.

I’m a starter. I’m not a finisher. I have projects, books, quilts all in pieces. Hidden in baskets, in drawers, in my head in stages of completion but I know I’ll never finish any of them or not without many, MANY years in between start and finish.

Some of that is I’m a very impatient Aries who loves to be the first to do something new but couldn’t care less about getting to the end. Some of it comes from having trouble prioritizing. But on this road of never finishing anything, I also have trouble staying with a job longer than a couple of years. My longest lasted 4 years and it’s actually the only one I regret quitting.

So now I’m at the place where I end up frustrated because my new job is just a job even though everyone else sees it as a career. This is one box I just don’t fit in. I don’t want a career. Never have and I’m starting to realize probably never will. My boyfriend tells me I have to stick with something because I need to be able to retire. And I know he’s right but at the same time I wonder why I have to follow somebody else’s rules for how to live?

I have this dream of being happy and loving my work. Of making a difference or being a good influence on people. I want to create, teach, inspire, learn. I just don’t see that happening by selling insurance. I feel like I made a left turn by getting into insurance. This doesn’t fit with any of my goals but it was a very good paying job at a time when I really needed a very good paying job. I really thought I would like this. I was wrong.

That’s another thing I’m not good at…admitting I’m wrong. I stayed married for about 10 years longer than I should have just because I couldn’t admit I was wrong. I am growing because now I can say I made the wrong choice. Unfortunately, now I don’t know what to do. I’m one quarter away from finishing my Associate’s degree but it won’t help me get a better job. I need at least a Bachelor’s. I know this but I also know I need a break from school. At least a few months.

And so, my poor brain is loaded with all these jumbled thoughts. Most of them being to just keep my mouth shut and keep going to work. I don’t like it and it’s showing in my performance which is something else I’ve never had a problem with. Usually I have enough pride in my own work ethic that I can exceed expectations even if I’m not happy. I’m burnt out and I just don’t care and I probably shouldn’t admit that but I need to be able to say it. I need to have my feelings accepted. Because to me, they are very real and they are driving me insane.

Good luck if you made it to the end. Any suggestions?